August 2nd, 2002
And I can't wait.
This time, it seems a little easier. At least the emotional part is.
There was (is) still the ton of paperwork to fill out, but whereas that
ton of paperwork was the distraction from the emotional swings
that Paden's adoption took us through, this time it is
Paden himself providing the distraction. He occupies every nook and cranny
of available time when he's not at school, so there's not
a lot of time to dwell on the time the adoption of Emma is taking.
We're also both anxious and curious as to how Paden will react.
He has his own picture of Emma, who he calls "Emm". Of course,
he has no way to understand what or who "Emm" is; he occasionally
refers to other babies as "Emm". But we've been priming him, telling
him the room across the hall from him is Emma's room, talking to him
about Emma. We want to make sure that he knows that we will
be depending upon him, too, to help us with Emma.And, truly, we
will be depending upon him. We want him to be a big part of her life,
being the big brother and protector.
While I was excited with Paden's adoption and what becoming a parent
will mean, I've been a parent now for a year and a half. My excitement
is not only for Emma's arrival, but also the impending sibling
dynamics that will occur ("He's touching me!", "That's *mine*!", etc).
August 4th, 2004
But it is a little different
this time. When we were in the middle
of Paden's adoption, the excitement (and anxiety) was because we
were entering the unknown. We had no idea what was going to
happen, both as adoptive parents, and as parents outright. While
any normal pregnancy has it's questions and concerns, the adoption
has many turns and twists that we have no control over; in fact,
that control is in the hands of someone else. There are those who
would say that a pregnancy is in the hands of God.
Perhaps this is true, but in our case (or any other adoption case),
you can see the control is factually in someone else's hands.
The evidence is clear.
But I believe it is different because the decisions for that
precious little baby can be made by someone other than their
birth or adoptive parents. Indeed, one particular family who was
adopting from St. Lucy's were told that the baby they were
adopting was going to another family. All the emotional investment
this family had was taken away, and they had to start over.
Lynne and I felt so much sympathy from this event; we could
not have endured it if Paden had not become ours, and similarly Emma.
In reality, I suppose a miscarriage would be a like event; you have
a baby that you are planning for, maybe even naming, and it
is taken away from you. The family above had in fact already
named their daughter,
and they subsequently have given up that name now because the
emotional pain was too great. To them, that baby
with that particular name will live in their hearts, but not in
their home.
As with any child, we hope that the baby will have a great
life with whatever family they become part of, but we as
adoptive parents who have endured the emotional riptides of
adoption hope even more that a baby will go to the family
who wants and expects them. Our ties to Paden have
shown us that he is bound to us as deeply (maybe even deeper)
that he could have been as our biological child. Those binds
were started from the first picture we saw of him on that afternoon
in the HeartSent office in 2003.
We also hope that the delays we experienced (for no known
reason) will vanquish this time. There is no benefit to these delays; it
only serves to harm the child and make the parents
weary. And believe me, weary parents need all the strength they
can muster!
August 17th, 2004
However, I've noticed that I have a much different
feeling of anticipation than I did with
Paden's adoption. While the anticipation is very
evident to me, I find that I'm more anxious to
start doing the parent stuff rather than actually
becoming a parent. Does that make sense?
By that, I mean that I've already done the
waiting-to-be-a-parent thing. Now I'm at the
put-the-diaper-on thing. I know now that
I can handle what is thrown at me because I
am a parent now; before, I was not
a parent yet, and half of the uncertainty
was the development of my parenting skills.
With Emma, it will not be the development of those
skills as much as it will be the refining of those
skills as I deal with the differences between Paden and Emma.
There is the boy vs. girl thing, moo-moos as opposed to
Hawaiian Shirts, bows vs baseball hats.
September 14th, 2004
But, to paraphrase Stephen King, I write this mostly for my own
enjoyment and catharsis. Maybe I am wearing my heart on my sleeve
(as I've been known to do), but it is not intended as such. I write because
it pleases me and I want to share,
not dump, my thoughts and feelings with those
who might need some encouragement or inspiration. I are happy to do
this, and we have been told by more than one family that our pages have helped
to ease some of their fears and trepidations. We even have some very dear
friends who have started adoption proceedings because of our experiences.
To help others find their families is the greatest praise we could
ever receive. I am
sometimes envious of Val and the wonderful people at HeartSent, and
Mei Chun, Maan, Spring Peach (Emma's Nanny), Shiou-Rong (Paden's Nanny),
and all our friends at
St. Lucy's; they get to do this all the time. But it would be so
hard to watch these beautiful children leave when it's time for
them to join their new families. I had trouble when Lynne and Paden left
for only a week!
But to all those who are reading this now, I thank you for your
high praise and honor.
September 18th, 2004
According to them, Emma is a "precious little girl", and ready to
come home. She is attentive and focused and all the same things that
we have come to known as characteristics of Paden. This is wonderful;
we already know how to deal with him!
She is standing and on the verge of walking, and has a ton
of energy and a warm smile. Sounds like our little girl!
We can't thank these people enough. They have brought us that much closer to
our baby. Someday, perhaps we can meet them and their new little
Annelise in person, and Annalise and Emma can swap crib stories!
Thank you once again!
September 21st, 2004
But the old emotional roller-coaster has started to come into
view again. As it was with Paden (and I'm sure with any parent waiting for
their child, natural or adopted), the wait is excrutiating.
We REALLY hope that we get The Good Judge
this time, and that
they pass on Emma's case with speed and grace. Perhaps since Emma
is a little older than the usual age for adopted babies,
this may come to pass.
But Lynne and I have also come to realize that our workload
is again about to double. While we had just gotten used to not having
to buy baby food again, suddenly all bets are off; we're being
transported back to a year and a half ago where diapers were small
(well, not that small!)
and pacifiers ruled the day. It will be interesting to see how Paden
reacts to the re-emergence of the binky and bottle; he's
already a bit confused about some of his old pre-toddler toys
we've brought out from storage, wondering a) why they're back, and b)
if he can and wants to play with them. No matter,
we just can't wait!
If we take the average wait time of between two and five months,
it's entirely possible that Emma could be home for
Christmas, with that average of three and a half months landing
right smack in the middle of December.
This will be a busy December as I will be helping
Ask Jeeves with their move
from the Emeryville headquarters to the new offices in Oakland
during the first half of that month, in addition to the usual holidaze
madness. No sleep for the weary!
While we were in Taiwan to bring home Paden, we met another
adopting family from St. Lucy's who were bringing home their
little baby after only one month in the Local Court.
Compare that to Paden's five months, and you can just feel
the hope welling up like the tide in a Maine seaport.
While it's hard not to get our hopes up for a early resolution,
still....
I spoke to Erin from HeartSent yesterday, and she said that
while it's theoretically
possible for cases to be resolved in the Local Court
in a month's time, it's a far stretch. She was politely saying, "Ummm,
don't count on it". There's that pesky "hope" thing again.
Come home soon, Emma. Your family misses you.
October 25th, 2004
For me, it was a
very invigorating experience. While I am feeling the effects of the
hard work today in the form of sore muscles and strained
tendons, I am feeling emotionally uplifted.
The changing of the room from plain white walls to the
"ladybugs and butterflies" motif had the effect of
hardening the idea that we're soon going to be a parent once again.
While we see the pictures from HeartSent, and hear the news
that our case is (slowly) moving on it's inevitable way,
those items sometimes do very little to make it real.
Truly, not much changes our life to really indicate that
Emma will be joining our family.
On the other hand, the act of physically changing
something that we look at every day reminds us that our lives
will physically change, as well. It solidifies the process just
that much more, and helps to recharge that initial rush when
we first found out about Emma, or when we got our first picture of her.
Next weekend will be equally refreshing when we move Paden's furniture
into Emma's room and give him a "big boy" bed. It will certainly
indicate the transition that all children take from toddler to little
kid, and the parents start the long and somewhat sad song of
watching their children grow out of the innocence that is their youth.
Yet, again, it's another reminder that Emma's presence is forthcoming,
and can not come quick enough.
---
We also received yet another email from another family complimenting
our adoption pages. We thank them for their gracious praise, and wish them
well, for they are also in the process of adopting their second
from St. Lucy's via HeartSent. Their first adoption was also
from HeartSent, and they summised that their new little girl
is probably a bunkmate of Emma.
Just barely a year old, and she already has more friends over here
than we do!
October 28th, 2004
However, I am inclined to keep it this time. My concerns haven't changed;
I still think it might be upsetting to Emma. But last year, I still grew the
beard when Paden had been with us for nine months,
and when it came time to shave it off, I
just shaved off a little of the length per day so it was spread out over
a week's time. Paden was cool with that. I guess I can do the same thing
with Emma. And besides, Paden loves to be tickled by my
beard right now! He giggles like crazy, so it's a lot of fun for me.
On the other hand, I'll probably chicken out and shave it off before
our trip to Taiwan....
Wow. We're really doing it again. As if Paden weren't enough to
handle, we're about to double our "trouble".
As with Paden and his adoption, I (we) are extremely excited about
Emma and her impending arrival. As with Paden, we can't wait, and the
time seems to drag on mercilessly. As with Paden, our hearts race
with each new picture we receive of that precious little girl.
The dossier has arrived in Taiwan. That's great news for us,
as it seems more like things are rolling along.
This week, we received an email from another family who adopted a
child from St. Lucy's, and they had come across our web site.
They were very gracious and complimentary about the site, and said
that they were inspired by our story and my writings.
This was not the first email we have received from someone who had
discovered our web pages, and it also is not the first time we have
been complimented. Yet we are always a little taken aback when we get
email from people; we really don't expect it, and it's wonderful
to make contact with others.
We received an email from some other parents who adopted a baby from St. Lucy's.
They had just returned from bringing their baby home.
Becuase they were Florida residents, they were "stranded" in Taiwan due to
the hurricanes in Florida. As such, they were actually able
to spend a little time with some of the other St. Lucy's babies, one of
them being Emma. They left a phone number for us to call them so they
could relate what they had seen.
Now that Emma's case is in the Superior Court (and could likely
be in the Local Court as of this writing!), it's starting to get
really exciting.... and nerve-wracking! The anxiety cannot be
deterred, Lynne and I are now extremely anxious to
get Emma home. Every picture we get of her has the double effect of
bringing her closer to us and yet reminding us how far away she is.
We wallpapered Emma's room this weekend. Lynne did not
want the arduous task of wallpapering again; our experience
with Paden's room was a tough and not completely
enjoyable one. As such, she did not want to re-enact that pain,
and voted against wallpaper. But I convinced her it was
better (and less messy) than painting. She thusly volunteered
as babysitter for Paden and Sam, the son of our good friends
Jim and Beth who graciously came over to assist in the wallpapering.
I've started to grow my beard back (the old Winter beard!), but
I remember when I had it just before we went to get Paden.
Re-reading my thoughts about
my beard at that time, and whether I should keep it so as not
to freak out Paden when it came time to shave it off, was interesting to
me. I didn't want him to see someone who he really didn't
recognize when it came time to lose the whiskers (I did wind up shaving it
off before we went to Taiwan), and so I am now comtemplating what to do with
Emma. Amazingly, due to timing, Emma will come home at the time when
I would normally have my beard, just as it was with Paden. The circumstances
are incredibly similar.
