Our Adoption of Emma, Kevin's Thoughts

And I can't wait.

This time, it seems a little easier. At least the emotional part is. There was (is) still the ton of paperwork to fill out, but whereas that ton of paperwork was the distraction from the emotional swings that Paden's adoption took us through, this time it is Paden himself providing the distraction. He occupies every nook and cranny of available time when he's not at school, so there's not a lot of time to dwell on the time the adoption of Emma is taking.

We're also both anxious and curious as to how Paden will react. He has his own picture of Emma, who he calls "Emm". Of course, he has no way to understand what or who "Emm" is; he occasionally refers to other babies as "Emm". But we've been priming him, telling him the room across the hall from him is Emma's room, talking to him about Emma. We want to make sure that he knows that we will be depending upon him, too, to help us with Emma.And, truly, we will be depending upon him. We want him to be a big part of her life, being the big brother and protector.

While I was excited with Paden's adoption and what becoming a parent will mean, I've been a parent now for a year and a half. My excitement is not only for Emma's arrival, but also the impending sibling dynamics that will occur ("He's touching me!", "That's *mine*!", etc).

But it is a little different this time. When we were in the middle of Paden's adoption, the excitement (and anxiety) was because we were entering the unknown. We had no idea what was going to happen, both as adoptive parents, and as parents outright. While any normal pregnancy has it's questions and concerns, the adoption has many turns and twists that we have no control over; in fact, that control is in the hands of someone else. There are those who would say that a pregnancy is in the hands of God. Perhaps this is true, but in our case (or any other adoption case), you can see the control is factually in someone else's hands. The evidence is clear.

But I believe it is different because the decisions for that precious little baby can be made by someone other than their birth or adoptive parents. Indeed, one particular family who was adopting from St. Lucy's were told that the baby they were adopting was going to another family. All the emotional investment this family had was taken away, and they had to start over. Lynne and I felt so much sympathy from this event; we could not have endured it if Paden had not become ours, and similarly Emma.

In reality, I suppose a miscarriage would be a like event; you have a baby that you are planning for, maybe even naming, and it is taken away from you. The family above had in fact already named their daughter, and they subsequently have given up that name now because the emotional pain was too great. To them, that baby with that particular name will live in their hearts, but not in their home.

As with any child, we hope that the baby will have a great life with whatever family they become part of, but we as adoptive parents who have endured the emotional riptides of adoption hope even more that a baby will go to the family who wants and expects them. Our ties to Paden have shown us that he is bound to us as deeply (maybe even deeper) that he could have been as our biological child. Those binds were started from the first picture we saw of him on that afternoon in the HeartSent office in 2003.

We also hope that the delays we experienced (for no known reason) will vanquish this time. There is no benefit to these delays; it only serves to harm the child and make the parents weary. And believe me, weary parents need all the strength they can muster!

However, I've noticed that I have a much different feeling of anticipation than I did with Paden's adoption. While the anticipation is very evident to me, I find that I'm more anxious to start doing the parent stuff rather than actually becoming a parent. Does that make sense?

By that, I mean that I've already done the waiting-to-be-a-parent thing. Now I'm at the put-the-diaper-on thing. I know now that I can handle what is thrown at me because I am a parent now; before, I was not a parent yet, and half of the uncertainty was the development of my parenting skills. With Emma, it will not be the development of those skills as much as it will be the refining of those skills as I deal with the differences between Paden and Emma. There is the boy vs. girl thing, moo-moos as opposed to Hawaiian Shirts, bows vs baseball hats.

But, to paraphrase Stephen King, I write this mostly for my own enjoyment and catharsis. Maybe I am wearing my heart on my sleeve (as I've been known to do), but it is not intended as such. I write because it pleases me and I want to share, not dump, my thoughts and feelings with those who might need some encouragement or inspiration. I are happy to do this, and we have been told by more than one family that our pages have helped to ease some of their fears and trepidations. We even have some very dear friends who have started adoption proceedings because of our experiences.

To help others find their families is the greatest praise we could ever receive. I am sometimes envious of Val and the wonderful people at HeartSent, and Mei Chun, Maan, Spring Peach (Emma's Nanny), Shiou-Rong (Paden's Nanny), and all our friends at St. Lucy's; they get to do this all the time. But it would be so hard to watch these beautiful children leave when it's time for them to join their new families. I had trouble when Lynne and Paden left for only a week!

But to all those who are reading this now, I thank you for your high praise and honor.

According to them, Emma is a "precious little girl", and ready to come home. She is attentive and focused and all the same things that we have come to known as characteristics of Paden. This is wonderful; we already know how to deal with him! She is standing and on the verge of walking, and has a ton of energy and a warm smile. Sounds like our little girl!

We can't thank these people enough. They have brought us that much closer to our baby. Someday, perhaps we can meet them and their new little Annelise in person, and Annalise and Emma can swap crib stories!

Thank you once again!

But the old emotional roller-coaster has started to come into view again. As it was with Paden (and I'm sure with any parent waiting for their child, natural or adopted), the wait is excrutiating. We REALLY hope that we get The Good Judge this time, and that they pass on Emma's case with speed and grace. Perhaps since Emma is a little older than the usual age for adopted babies, this may come to pass.

But Lynne and I have also come to realize that our workload is again about to double. While we had just gotten used to not having to buy baby food again, suddenly all bets are off; we're being transported back to a year and a half ago where diapers were small (well, not that small!) and pacifiers ruled the day. It will be interesting to see how Paden reacts to the re-emergence of the binky and bottle; he's already a bit confused about some of his old pre-toddler toys we've brought out from storage, wondering a) why they're back, and b) if he can and wants to play with them. No matter, we just can't wait!

For me, it was a very invigorating experience. While I am feeling the effects of the hard work today in the form of sore muscles and strained tendons, I am feeling emotionally uplifted.

The changing of the room from plain white walls to the "ladybugs and butterflies" motif had the effect of hardening the idea that we're soon going to be a parent once again. While we see the pictures from HeartSent, and hear the news that our case is (slowly) moving on it's inevitable way, those items sometimes do very little to make it real. Truly, not much changes our life to really indicate that Emma will be joining our family.

On the other hand, the act of physically changing something that we look at every day reminds us that our lives will physically change, as well. It solidifies the process just that much more, and helps to recharge that initial rush when we first found out about Emma, or when we got our first picture of her.

Next weekend will be equally refreshing when we move Paden's furniture into Emma's room and give him a "big boy" bed. It will certainly indicate the transition that all children take from toddler to little kid, and the parents start the long and somewhat sad song of watching their children grow out of the innocence that is their youth. Yet, again, it's another reminder that Emma's presence is forthcoming, and can not come quick enough.

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We also received yet another email from another family complimenting our adoption pages. We thank them for their gracious praise, and wish them well, for they are also in the process of adopting their second from St. Lucy's via HeartSent. Their first adoption was also from HeartSent, and they summised that their new little girl is probably a bunkmate of Emma.

Just barely a year old, and she already has more friends over here than we do!