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March 28th, 2061
Sonny Bono News Network
Dateline: Bakersfield
Well, that was quite a football game, boys. Perhaps a fitting end to one of the most controversial sports in American history. One hundred and fifty years of football is over. And who could have predicted yesterday's winner one hundred and fifty years ago, or even one hundred and fifty days ago? To think that the winner yesterday was responsible for the demise of the sport itself, it boggles the mind.
I look back upon yesterday's game, and so much nostalgia returns. Things changed so rapidly after the late 1990's that it was hard to keep track. I was never sure about which team was playing, not like now with the 'Net feeds right from the Quarterback's brain. So much happened so quickly. The teams started moving from city to city. Hard to believe that, at one time, most teams actually stayed in a city for more than a season. Of course, back then, there were seasons to sports. There weren't thirty-six games per season with eight byes per team and six rounds of playoffs. Except for the fact that football is now officially defunct, spring training would be starting tomorrow, with the players taking their usual off-season day off today.
Yep, plenty of great games to look back at. How about that Superbowl LXIX between the Cleveland Bills and the Miami Broncos, the highest scoring game in football history. I would never have thought a team could score over 200 points. Of course, that was the first year that they tried to liven the game up by making the defense wear blindfolds. But I suppose that was no more bizarre a rule change than the one that led to the longest Superbowl, LXXVIII (amazing nobody ever thought of a better way of naming them!) between the Baltimore Colts and the Dallas 49ers. That game also had the distinction of being the only one to end in a 0-0 tie. Three and a half days of crunching. It would have been even more if the OJ Simpson trial hadn't finally gone to the jury, returning their verdict in a staggering 45 seconds! If the networks had known that, they would have just charged the City of Los Angeles the standard $47.3 million dollars for the one minute of advertising time and continued the game! Heck, I'll bet that ol' McCauley Caulkin's Sport Info Channel would have given them that extra fifteen seconds gratis! But I suppose that blindfolds for both sides were a bad idea as well. For the game that is, not the trial. The blindfolds were crucial in the trial.
Then there was the game between the Los Angeles Steelers and the Los Angeles Chiefs. What a bruiser that was! And the one between the San Diego/New York/Washington/New York Vikings and the Montreal Patriots a decidedly overwhelming victory for the Canadian team. That's when they had Joe Montana III, arguably the best QB since his father, Joe Montana II, who was arguably the best since _his_ father, Joe Montana I (it was so hard to tell them apart, what with gene-splicing so new that you couldn't yet pick your future children's facial features). And, naturally, any of the Canadian teams were unstoppable in the 2020's due to the players keeping in top physical condition by switching sports as each sport's season opened and closed with the years. In fact, the Michael Jordan University Sport Lottery/Draft was responsible for the outflow of thousands of Americans to Canada as the ruthless northern teams sucked up all our best players for their hockey games. Obviously, a late and sucessful revenge over our taking Wayne Gretsky from them in the late 20th Century. Well, that's okay. American hockey teams have held the Gretsky Cup for the last 15 years. Who whould have thought Guam and Puerto Rico could produce many great hockey players?
When I was a boy in the early 2040's, I remember going to a real football game. Our TV-Net was broken, and we couldn't get anything over Channel 678. Even the M*A*S*H Channel was broken! I remember going to the stadium to watch our team, the Eagles. Midway through the second quarter, the team packed up and moved out of town. The score got pretty uneven very quickly. The game was saved, however, because the Bengals moved into town right after halftime. It was great, because my favorite player, Quai M'Butu O'Connell Hernandez Jurgensen (the one from India, not the one from Australia), never left; he had been traded during the halftime show from the Eagles to the Bengals. He was gone next week, sadly, as the Bengals moved out of town to Juneau. It was almost two weeks before another team finally moved in. It was a lot of fun, even though we had to bring our own popcorn and hot-dogs (this was during the Cholesterol Prohibition of the mid-21st Century).
Yessir, the game changed. Maybe it's a good thing it's gone now. But I know when it started changing, and I can tell you I'm pretty sad and maybe a little angry about it.
All due to one lousy team. Everything was stable until that team began changing the way things were done.
The team that ruined it for the rest of us.
The team that couldn't play by the rules.
The team that had to have everything it's own way.
The team that wouldn't move, no matter what.
The team that stayed in the SAME CITY for 65 years!
Those darn Oakland Raiders!
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--Kevin G. J. Freels, 1996
© Copyright 1995, Kevin G. J. Freels
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