Go Home
September 7th, 2002
I am also amazed at the families who already have children who also adopt. This amazement is not so much one of bewilderment as it is one of marvel. At first, I thought, "Why are they adopting? They already have kids, and obviously the means and ability to make more". But that feeling turned around to being impressed that a family would bring a child into a situation where there were already other children, and the newly-adopted child would automatically have the same rights, privledges, and love as the ones who were there before him. How would the other children feel about this? I mean, I had a tough enough time with Artoo when I brought Threepio home, and the same thing when we had Threepio and brought Snootles home. I think these families will actually have a tougher time facing these problems that we will facing the prospect of becoming parents for the first time. We have no concept of the difference between a biological child versus an adopted child; we've had neither. So our child will be our child.
But as we go through this process, I am finding that I am thrilled to share our experiences with those who will listen. You know me, always ready to share. But I'm not sure if it's the experience of adoption that thrills me, or is it the thrill of a new child? Would I be as vocal if Paden were growing in Lynne's womb? I'm not sure, but probably "yes". However, I also know that there is a lot of fear, trepidation, and uncertainty with adoption, and I believe that it's probably a bit more present that with a natural childbirth. A pregnancy is as natural a process as a human can have, but an adoption seems to mired in a lot of politics and social complexity. This is not a bad thing, it's just a different direction to accomplish the same goal: to have a baby.
In fact, a pregnancy gives you really no choice about your child. Once you are pregnant, you are pretty much stuck with that child, good (hopefully) or bad. To decide to have a child naturally is a single choice to perform the act of conception, and thus set a ball in motion along a path that, for the most part, will decide it's own direction. With minor exceptions, one does not decide the sex of the baby, twins or not, blue eyes or brown eyes. It reminds me of an old Saturday Night Live skit with Eric Idle as a baby geneticist asking the prospectice mother and father, "Fur or Feathers?". but once that initial choice is made and acted upon, that's it, in my opinion.
An adoption, however, is a choice that leads to a series of choices. The first choice to actually decide to adopt is similar to the choice to conceive. Beyond that, the similarity ends. After that initial moment, you must continually decide so many things. Domestic or foreign? Adoption Attourney or Adoption Agency? Private adoption or state sposored? China or Korea? It seems that a family is thus forced to contiually make decisions to "have a child" with adoption, which can be a stressful and traumatic experience. In my own personal experience. our decision to persue adoption was not quite as difficult to make as I had anticipated, but everything afterwards was much more difficult.
Our initial meeting with the adoption attourney took place in October 2001, but we did not contact HeartSent until February 2002. A lot of that delay was due to the requirements put forth by the adoption attourney as to creating our "dossier" for the review of possible birthmothers. We needed to creat a portfolio with a description of ourselves, complete with pictures. This portfolio should provide insight to our home life, our personalities, and our desire to have children. She provided a few examples for us to view. It seems a daunting and almost impossible task, and I really felt as if I were on the most important job interview of my life. It would be tough enough to sell ourselves to the Social Worker in the Home Study, but we would also have to sell ourselves to the birthmother and invite her in intimately to our lives. Lynne was dead set against this, feeling that child would be ours after the adoption, and did not want the birthmother inferring her presence after the adoption. I was in agreement for the most part. I unconsciously transferred this reservation into procrastination, as we did not create our "dossier" for the attourney, though in my mind I had every intention of doing so because I really wanted a child.
Eventually, I realized what I was doing, and also realized that the adoption attourney and the method for adoption she proposed was not the way we (I) wanted to go. This was reinforced by speaking with a friend of my father's who had also recently adopted from a foreign country. With all the reservations we had about the domestic adoption process with the adoption attourney, we started mentally moving towards foreign adoption. Our chance meeting with the couple at Freddie's solidified our direction.
I am very comfortable with each step we have taken since then. There has been no point in the process that I am unsure about. And, to be truthful, I don't think that anything we have done in our journey towards adoption had been a mistake, including the meeting with the attourney. I feel we learned a lot. If my procrastination was evident to others, it was not yet evident to me, and I had to discover it on my own and the underlying reasons for it's existance. I am the eternal optimist (as Lynne will agree), and I believe every lesson, whether learned through success or failure, is an important one.
So I find that it is natural (in a different way) to empathize with couples who are debating this decision for the first time, especially when the alternative to adoption is a childless family. That is something that I, at times, dreaded. The possibility of not ever having children was something that I did not want to face. I have wanted children since I've been one (some say I still am one!). I look forward to doing many of the things that I enjoyed as a child. Living vicariously through my nieces or nephews was not the answer; there are too many things that are not really addressed. I have a desire to pass my knowledge, wisdom and wonder to someone who is actually young enough to enjoy it without any pre-conceptions.
September 13th, 2002
But as I thought about it some more, I realized that
I don't think I could go over there and then
leave without him. It would be too hard for me to
tear myself away from him, knowing that there would
be this indefinite time that would elapse before
he came home. I'm not sure that I (or any parent)
would voluntarily do that, i.e., leave their
newborn-child for months, not knowing when they
would be re-united.
If I had the resources to go visit him every week,
I could probably do it. But I don't, so for me it
is better to wait until he comes home for good.
Come home soon, Paden. We miss you.
September 22nd, 2002
I guess my anxiety is related to some other personal
dealings in our lives right now, and I am craving the
stability that Paden's presence will enhance. To be sure,
I am under no impression that Paden will make our lives
more stable; in fact, I know that he will bring a bit of
instability and uncertainty to our home as we learn to
be parents and adjust to him (as well as him adjusting
to us!). But the stability is knowing that things are
at least settled for the most part, and that whatever
is left is completely under the family's
control, and not subject to some unknown person (read:
Taiwan judge) who is 10,000 miles away.
September 25th, 2002
It made me think of some of the stress and pressure that
Lynne and I are experiencing and dealing with. For the
most part, I believe we are dealing with it very well.
I feel that the only strains and pressures are not from the
adoption, but from the anxiety of the wait; we're both
extremely anxious for Paden to come home.
HeartSent has been a very positive experience for
us, if only for the organization that they provided
towards accomplishing all this. They are not at
fault (if there really even is any fault)
for the waiting period and lack of information.
They have relayed that the orphanage is just way
too low on resources to provide a constant flow
of information for all the adoptions. I had offered
to buy a disposeable camera for them to use and
send back, but Erin at HeartSent said that they are
just too swamped to even have the time to take
the pictures.
In any event, I recommend this book. While a bit
on the edgy side, I enjoyed it. Thank you, Janis.
October 3rd, 2002
With the new pictures
that we got, we are watching him grow from far away,
and I am finding it difficult to watch this. Every
night, Lynne and I talk about the fun things about what it
will be like to have Paden (not fooling ourselves for
a moment that there will be the trying times, too!).
We want to have that play (and poop!) so much. I watch
Lynne as she cheerfully puts the new pictures in the
album she is keeping, and my heart cries out for little
Paden. I know that soon he will be with us, but it's very
hard to be without him.
On the other hand, I have had several dreams in the last
couple weeks about Paden, more specifically about getting
"THE CALL". I have a feeling (premonition?) about this,
I think it's going to happen very soon now....
October 7th, 2002
Whether or not these dreams are, indeed, "premonitions", I
still have this feeling that things will happen soon. I get the
impression that we will be going to Taiwan very soon, that
Paden will be with us much before Thanksgiving. We're both
a bit disappointed that he won't be here for Halloween, as
Lynne e specially wanted to dress him up as a pumpkin! But
there will be many more Halloweens to come.
Anyways, I am feeling anxious, but good, and I think it
will happen soon....
October 17th, 2002
In any event, we discussed about what to write when there is
nothing to write. I said that I thought that it was okay to write
something even when there might not be something of substance to
write about. Although the message lately from the Adoption Agency
has been "wait and see", I still have thoughts running through my head
and I want to put them down somewhere (for me, for Paden, for whoever).
In fact, I felt it was important to continue the flow, to maintain
continuity, even when the message is the same.
Lynne said that she hasn't written a lot lately because there
is nothing to write about, nothing has changed from the last
entry she put in her journal, and she didn't want to
keep saying, "Nothing new today".
I, on the other hand, will keep saying it, if only to remind myself
of the passage of time.
Nothing new today.
October 24th, 2002
This has had a very positive effect on me. As I have said
before, I don't really mind waiting too much, but
the hard part has been the lack of a "target" date, and
the lack of information regarding our case. When you're
pregnant, at least you have something to shoot for.
I spoke with Val at
HeartSent,
and one of her questions to me was, "What are
some of the things that could be done differently?".
I'm not sure about adoptions outside of HeartSent (who
has been SPECTACULAR!), but I think the only real
thing has been just not knowing the status of
our referral as far as the Taiwan side goes. Val
and Erin and the gang at
HeartSent,
hav been great at relating everything they
know, but they haven't gotten a lot of info, either.
So if I were to answer Val's question, the answer would
be, "Just more current info.".
However, Val said that this is something they're working
on. I have faith that if anyone can get this
going, it is Val.
Thanks, Val!!
October 27th, 2002
As I was reading from the packet (outloud to Lynne), I started to get
goose-bumps. It's beginning to seem very real,
that this is all going to start happening with the speed
of a freight train. I will be going to a "travel
session" at HeartSent
tomorrow to discuss the upcoming trip.
While the date is still not certain, it seems very possible
that Paden will be with us in the next month.
Wow.
We also had a friend of ours over for dinner this last
weekend. She was adopted (although I didn't know it when I
went to high school with her), and she
had some fantastic insight to being an adopted child.
The conversations with her solidified my feelings that
Lynne and I have made the right decision.
Unfortunately, my friend did not have a happy childhood, not
because of her adoption, but because of events that occurred
after she was adopted. It made me sad to think that she had
undergone such traumatic events, when the potential
that could have been realized was lost. My friend has grown up into
a wonderfully charming person, overcoming
the events of her childhood. Her accounts also solidified
my resolve to make sure Paden is loved and respected
as if his DNA were mine.
But I guess that is true of all babies, that
all children deserve to live in a happy, loving home, with
good parents, regardless of their biological or adopted origins.
All too many times, I've too frequently seen parents who
shouldn't be parents; they have no love or respect for their
children. It breaks my heart to see this.
November 6th, 2002
For the most part, I can be a very patient person, especially
when I know that something is coming for sure. For all
intents and purposes, Paden is coming for sure.
but since that intangible target date is not yet
defined, the waiting seems so ominous. Were I not a
"glass-is-half-full" kind of person, I would see my
faith being clearly tested on Paden's arrival.
As it is, my faith is stong, questioned or not.
But I do believe in Paden's arrival, and think
about him constantly. Already, I have been carrying pictures
of him around in my wallet, the proverbial father with
the pictures of his kids, yet I have still actually
to receive the kid in my home! What a tough thing it is
to show a picture of "your son" to someone when,
in fact, you have yet to see him in person yourself!!
When we do go, and if it is in December, I would love
to go with Val for Carmela's celebration. This event
is probably the most grand of all the celebrations
in my life, the only surpassing event being my marriage
to Lynne. What a way to enhance this wonderful
time!
November 20th, 2002
Although we had been told that we could expect
that we would have Paden before Christmas, it now looks
possible that we might not get him before the end
of the year. This has been extremely hard on us.
And, of course, the ever-pessimistic Lynne was sure
that something was wrong, that we weren't going to
get Paden at all. I know that is not true, and even though
my faith is still strong and determined, I must admit
to a bit of apprehension and anxiety over the length of time
that is is taking.
So in my conversations with Val, I asked about these things.
Val, and Erin (our representative at the Agency) were both
in Taiwan last week. The situation is this: our
dossier was moved from the Taipei courts to the Tainan
courts on September 8th (I think that's the date Val mentioned).
As such, it has been sitting on a desk in Tainan, just waiting
for the approval of the judge there. But there doesn't
seem to be an order to when it will be approved; some
dossiers that arrived after our have already been approved,
and others that arrived before ours and should have been approved
by now are also waiting. This would imply that there's something
wrong.
But Val has assured us, in no uncertain terms, that there is nothing
wrong with us or our dossier. Indeed, as they put it, we
are a perfect couple for adoption, according to the criteria
for Taiwan adoptions. We are a married, childless couple, with a stable
and steady relationship and homelife, and there is no reason
at all that we would be denied.
So, it's back to the waiting game. We are hoping that
Val can find out some more information and
perhaps press a little harder to find out why our
case sits on the desk of a Tainan judge.
One option that Val suggested is that Lynne and I, once we find
out when we can go, actually go to Taiwan a couple weeks
earlier than we would normally. Essentially, we could
take Paden, though not take him from the country.
We would have to stay in Taiwan for two weeks.
That could be expensive, and would obviously take
time from our lives (work, etc.) that we may not have. So
this is something that we will have to think about.
All things being equal, if I had the time and money, I
would be there in a shot. But I think I have already mentioned
that it would be impossible for me to go over without
taking him home with me when I leave; in other words, I
could not leave without him, in any event.
So we continue to wait and blow him kisses in the night....
On another note, Lynne and I watched NBC's "Dateline"
the other night (11/15/02). The story they featured
was about a family who had adopted a baby boy
from Korea, and now the boy was fourteen. At this
time, he was having troubles relating to his adopted
family, and was really wondering about many
of the questions that adopted children have,
primarily, "why me?". He was wondering why his
birth parents had given him up, what were the
circumstances, etc.
The adopted mother went through a big emotional
debate about this, fearing that she would lose him
to his birth family, still living in Korea. So, even
against her own desires, she initiated a search for
his birth family, and was suprised when the results
were returned in a short time (three weeks).
In fact, included in the information was a letter from
the birth family.
But she could not
bring herself to divulge the information to her son, and
instead chose to hide it from him for six months.
However, her son discovered the information, and when the offer to
visit them in Korea was made, he accepted. When he finally
met his birth family (including two brothers that he didn't
know he had) in Korea, he he dicovered many things about
his adopted family, and his relationship with them improved.
And his adopted mother, who had stressed so much about his
relationship with his birth parents actually
found a new friendship with them. Now both families keep in touch.
The mistake I think the mother made was to
keep the information from her son. She should have answered
his questions truthfully and and honestly, and
should not have kept the information from him. I think
he knew that she was his mother, despite the
fact that another woman from Korea gave birth to him. This
was a lesson that he learned much before she did..
An interesting program, although I could have done
withough Jane Pauley's obnoxiousness....
I don't think the program is available from NBC. Too bad,
I actually wouldn't mind seeing it again, and I think it would be a good
video to show prospective adopting parents (Erin from
HeartSent agreed, she saw
the program as well).
November 26th, 2002
Lynne was not as positive about this. She has become
frustrated about the delays that have occurred. To be
truthful, it has bothered me as well. But I also realize that
Paden will come home; it's just a matter of time.
But she is not as forgiving about this, and even with this
good news, she viewed it as more of another set-back, another
delay in a long string of delays. I think she accepted the
estimation that Paden would be with us before Christmas
as more of a certainty. While she professes that she
"expected" there would be a problem
(the Doom-and-Gloom Pessimist again!) and that we would not
be getting him before that estmated date. she still
fell into the dream and belived. There is nothing wrong
with falling into the dream; I think you just have to
not get discouraged when the dream takes a little side-trip.
I guess the part that frustrates me the most is the
lack of information. I've mentioned this before in my
"thoughts," and it still rings true. It frustrates me that
our dossier has sat on judge's desk since the middle of
September (two months now), and is just now being "discovered"
like a forgotten bill under the stack of Pottery Barn catalogs.
Is it that there is that much of a delay due to the many
adoption cases that are being reviewed? Or is the delay
one of pure convenience (read: laziness) of the judge? I can't
know, nor will I say one way or the other because I'm not
there and do not know the details as they are. I do find it
it odd that it took a visit from someone from St. Lucy's
to "rattle the cage" and get the case in review. As Val and
Erin related to me, Carmela from St. Lucy's used to visit
the judge (or judges) all the time to check the status
of the cases, and as such, they were processed a lot quicker,
probably along the three-month estimates that Val was
giving when we started our adoption. But Carmela does not
make these "status" visits anymore; actually, no one from
the Nursery does. Out of sight, out of mind.
It just seems a pity that this all hinges on a simple
delay that seems to be meaningless. Why does the delay
have to occur at all? I understand if the judges are
swamped due to an extraordinary volume of adoption
cases; that is completely and perfectly acceptable.
But if the delay is due to a reason that really
isn't a reason, that is very hard to accept, especially
when there is a little baby's future and family
in the balance. Would not that little baby be better
off in their new home as soon as possible?
But Val is trying to re-institute that "visitation" policy again,
and get someone to make those visits and hopefully
"encourage" the judges to process the cases a little
faster. This also solves the lack-of-information issues,
as the St. Lucy's representative will know what's
going on with each case.
Lynne and I are already making plans to adopt
another child, a sister for Paden, in the next three
years. It would be nice if things progressed a little
faster in that adoption.
But, the final result is this: we will have a happy,
healthy little baby. That's all that matters. That's
what will make me happy.
November 28th, 2002, Thanksgiving
While I am, of course, grateful for my food and shelter as well, I
am grateful for the joy that this year has brought. This year has
brought me the promise of a family with children. Though Paden is
still not with us physically, he is with us in spirit and love.
Already, Lynne and I talk about Paden as if he were right next to us
in his high-chair, eating strained turkey and strained carrots. We
talk about the things we won't be able to do, such as go to the movies
anytime we please, or rush off on a moment's notice for spontaneous
outings. This weekend, we went hiking with some friends of ours,
a task that would have been out of the question with an accomanying
Paden due to the terrain we covered.
And I am thankful.
Except for Lynne in my life, I can think of no other joy that
is as great as Paden, and we send him our good wishes and
thanks for that joy and hope that he has already brought.
December 10th, 2002
We got THE CALL. It's a bit overwhelming. A whole flood of
emotions have come to the surface for both of us. So many
things have already changed.
For instance, time, which has always seemed sluggish in this regard,
is now starting to move very quickly. It's as if a giant
rubber band has been stretched out as far as possible, then released.
The end of the band is moving slowly now, but moving more quickly with each passing
second, accelerating and pulling what is attached to it
as it starts to contract upon
itself. Soon, it will be moving faster than we can see or note. As it is
now, we already feel as if we're on a deadline, the stopwatch
is running and we have so much to do!
Another thing that brought it all home occurred as I was wrapping presents
for putting under our Christmas Tree this afternoon. Most of them
were for Lynne, and I wanted to wrap them before she came home from work.
But I had one that I had gotten for Paden. I wrapped it, as I did the others, and
on the label, I put "Paden" on the "To:" part. On the "From:" part,
I wrote "Mom & Dad", and that suddenly felt very weird! I was "Dad".
I thought, "No, that can't be right. My dad is the 'dad'!". But, no,
I am the dad now. It almost brought me to tears.
Lynne and I are so relieved. The pressure has been building for
so long, and we're not totally aware of how much pressure
there really is. And now that it's falling off, we can feel the
weight of it as it falls. Unbelievable!
I will sleep well tonight.
We were so disappointed last night after returning from
our Travel Meeting. Lynne was a zombie. I was okay, and mostly
maintaining for Lynne's sake.
Lynne was cursing the judge and the delay, wondering why
we had to wait for no apparent reason.
To me, it seems as if it's a "test" of our ability
to handle things; if we can survive this, parenting should
be a breeze!
Last night seems a million
miles away, a life in an alternate dimension that I am only
vaguely aware of. We celebrated by going out for Chinese food!
December 25th, 2002, Christmas Day
While this has been a tough year on the both of us, we are still
happy that soon we will have Paden in our lives. He actually scored
very well at Christmas this year, being that Grandma and Grandpa
can't wait for him, either!
I have had more than one dream about Paden in the last week. The
dreams have been very vivid and real; there is no doubt in my
mind that it is Paden in my dreams. I look for the time when
my dreams and the reality of my life are one, impossible
to separate.
This Christmas was good, a nice morning with a roaring fire
in the fireplace and warm cinnamon rolls and coffee. We opened
our presents, a bounty that was cheerful and familial. It was
a strange feeling opening Paden's gifts, tho. I felt for a bit
that we should wait for him. On the other hand, his first
birthday will be not too soon after he comes home, and
another mountain of gifts is sure to follow.
We wish Paden were with us. Although Lynne and I are approaching our
tenth Anniversary, and have always felt like a family (albeit
a small one), we now feel a bit incomplete. Though Paden
has never seen his new home, it feels empty without him,
especially on the day that is most noticeable for it's
meaning of family and friends.
We hope that he will come home soon. But whether he is here
or there, our hearts are with him; neither time, nor distance,
nor legal decrees will impede our love for him.
Merry Christmas, my little Paden. Dad and Mom love you.
January 1st, 2003, New Year's Day
I received an email from Val at
HeartSent on
New Year's Eve. She had visited our web page here in the past,
and also this page of thoughts. From a recent viewing,
she felt as if my expressions here carried
a great deal of sadness. As such, she related to me
some of her experiences about the three adoptions she and
her husband undertook, and the trials and pains that
went along with them. After reading about her experiences,
I feel a bit embarrassed; although we have waited for such a long
time, Val's experiences are far deeper and more heart-wrenching
than ours have been. She definitely inspired and renewed
my faith.
As I went to re-read my writings, I can now see this
sadness. Had this really permeated my feeling so
obviously, and yet I remained completely was unaware of it?
It would appear so.
This "journal" has taught me many things about myself.
One of the many things it has taught me, indeed that main
thing it has taught me, is that I am not so always aware of
my feelings.
I am grateful for the ability and opportunity to express
my feelings and thoughts here. I had hoped this
would be beneficial to my friends and family who would
always want to know what is going on, what's it like,
what are you feeling, etc. I also want this to be
a place that others that I don't know to view and
reflect upon adoption, especially if they are considering it
for their own family. As I have benefited from the writings
of others, so I hope that others will benefit from mine.
But now I am also thankful for this to teach me a
lot about myself and what is going on in my life
that I an unconsciously aware of. And I also
thank Val for reminding me that I can learn from
myself. She has become a part of our family in so many
ways, and she will always be a part of it.
It';s true that Lynne and I are sad that Paden
is not with us yet. But we are also so
extremely grateful for Paden. He has given us
such hope and promise. We look forward to having him
in our lives, and the dreams we have will be shared
with such joy and enthusiasm and love.
So if my words ring a slightly sad note, do not worry.
It will be a song of joy and happiness soon. We are indeed
looking forward to his arrival, whenever it happens. We will
be patient and excited. We are positive about
Paden's arrival, even if we sound sad. And we are confident
that he will be with us soon.
My thanks to my readers, and to Val who reminded me
of the complete wonder of adoption, with all the pain
and joy that it includes.
And my thanks to Paden for inspiring me
to learn about myself.
January 8th, 2003
I look at the pictures with a swell of emotions, and all of them different.
On one hand, I am, of course, still a little saddened that
Paden is not here yet. He is growing rapidly, and I feel as if I am
missing an important part of his life. But I realize that this
was a consequence of the foreign adoption process. I imagine
(I'm not sure) that it is very rare
for adopting parents to receive a foreign-born child immediately
after his or her birth. As such, there will be a period of
time in the child's development that will be missed, simply
due to the time wait from birth to the transfer.
Truly, the only way to experience the complete birth process
is to have a baby from conception to birth. I accept this
as something I will not be able to experience, though
through no fault of Lynne or myself; it was genetics
that made that decision for us. And I am not bitter
at that decision. Honestly, I am a little sorry that
I will miss the joys (and pains) of pregnancy: the cravings
that Lynne would have, the maternity clothes, and, of
course, the actual birth, but I am not angry or bitter about it.
Paden is the benefit of those "consequences",
and so are we. We are getting a healthy child, as full of
wonder and smiles and tears as any other baby we would have naturally.
He is a wonder, and my heart sings to him as I think of the
wonderful life we will all have together.
I also feel a sense of pride when I view the pictures.
I want to show everyone the pictures, "That's my
boy! Look, he's standing! He got his first tooth!".
But, in reality, the simple truth is that all that matters is that
he is standing, he does have his
first tooth. There will be tons of other "firsts" that we
will experience together, and that is enough.
But, of course, the emotion I feel the most is love.
I have always been fond of children, and babies are the most
wonderous. They are so innocent and untainted, free to be
whatever their destiny provides for them. I see that in
Paden, it seems confirmed in his smile. Here is a boy that
has his whole life in front of him, and
a loving family that can't wait to help him and show
him the wonder of that life. And (this almost seems a bit
pretentious), I see the love in Paden's eyes. It seems as
though he looks at us (the camera) or others with a
purity of love that only little children can seem to
generate; by the time we're adults, we've had to
temper our love with so many other things that it's
difficult to feel the raw energy of that love.
And I also feel the excitement of the whole
process. To think that soon he will
be with us, in this home, filling it with those
infant sounds of laughter, tears, and strained bananas
hitting the floor with an appreciable "plop", is
absolutely thrilling.
Today, I am energized with these pictures, and today
will be a good day.
January 23rd, 2003
We are very grateful that we have been able to help. In fact,
there have been a few couples that we personally know who
have been interested in adoption and had asked us many
questions about the process and what they could expect. We are more
than happy to help, for we have needed that help ourselves. Were
it not for the chance meeting with a couple that we had never even
met before, we might still be struggling, and we certainly would
not have Paden in our lives (physically or not!).
I have always been a true believer in the Entropy of the Universe, and
energy and matter are not created or destroyed, but recycled. This apllies
to both good and bad; if you are nice to someone, it will be repaid
in kind.
So, if there are ever any questions that you have, please
ask. The recycling bin is never empty.
January 29th, 2003
I couldn't sleep last night. The adrenaline rush was so strong,
I got up at 2:00am and read for an hour. Went back to bed and
slept for about half-an-hour. Stared at the glow-in-the-dark
stars for a couple more hours. Got up and started typing.
I will pay for this today, as I am
trying to fight off a cold.
But I am too excited! Less than two weeks from today, I will meet
my son and hold him for the very first time. I get chills
when I think of that. A week ago, it was my birthday, and
that seemed like just yesterday. So twice that long will
be a snap, especially after the last ten months. I guess my
birthday candle wishes came true! (Expert Advice: Have your
birthday at Freddie's Pizza in Lafayette, California, and have
them put the candle on the pizza; that seemed to do the trick! (Actually
now that I come to think of it, Freddie's is where we met the couple
who told us about
HeartSent, so this comes as no
surprise; I always thought Freddie's was the center of the Universe!)).
Imcidentally, we had a bet with some friends of ours who are
expecting their first baby in late February. We said their
son Sam would be home before ours, they said Paden would be home
first. It now looks like they might win that bet, unless Sam
wakes up a little early. Don't collect your winnings yet! On the
other hand, had you told me last September that it would be February when I would
bring home my son, I would have taken that bet and your money would have
been very safe!
This news is so welcome to me. I have noticed that the pressures of the
last few weeks have been enormous. They are not due only to Paden's
delayed arrival, but other things that are happening in our lives.
While I am the Optimist, it still has been very difficult, and I
have immense respect for those who must wait years for their
babies to come home. Could I have done that? Part of me says that
I don't think I could have. But, truthfully, I know in the end
that I could; I would do anything for Paden, a boy who I have yet
to meet in person. This has been long and difficult, and I
send out my best wishes and thoughts to those who are still
waiting for their little ones.
I would never have guessed in a million
years that I would be adopting someone. I always thought (or assumed)
that I would have a biological child or children. I am so happy and
grateful for Paden, and I know that Lynne and I will have to endure these
pressures again when we adopt a little sister (Emma) for Paden. But I think I
have passed the test; I know now that I can endure the wait. And,
ironically, Paden will most likely occupy our time enough so that the wait for
Emma will pass much more quickly.
January 30th, 2003
It's totally amazing to me that, in less than two weeks, my life
will completely change. Nothing will be the same. But I
have looked forward to this for so long.
This restlessness comes from the combination of pent-up energy and
frustration all spilling out. Now that it seems like we're actually
going to be doing something, it's hard to sit still. Last week, when I
knew I could do nothing but wait, it was easy (in a twisted way) to
sit still. Now it's not so easy. But having the immediate tasks at hand
to accomplish will absorb this nervous energy.
Lynne has always said I'm a fidgety person, and she is right.
Even at rest, I will strum my fingers, flop around. It bugs her
at times, I'm sure. Now, however, I feel fidgety even to myself!
January 31st, 2003
And, of course, there is the part of me that wonders what he will
think and how he will react. Will he be afraid? Will he accept and welcome
the change? I've even considered shaving off my beard (my annual "Winter"
beard!) before we leave for Taiwan instead of the usual
time of early Spring so he will not be traumatized because he doesn't
recognize
me after trying to get used to me in the next couple months.
Maybe I'm just paranoid.
Or maybe it doesn't matter. When my sister was a year-and-a-half old, my father
shaved off the mustache that he had had since before she was born, and she refused
to go near him afterwards. It was only when he penciled in a fake mustache
using my mother's eye-liner that she recognised him and
would go to him.
I do know that I want him to feel safe and secure. While I understand
that it may take a while for him to recognise and accept us and be comfortable in
his surroundings, maybe even months, little things like this might
help the transition. I don't know.
Perhaps I should see how many eye-liner pencils Lynne has in her make-up
drawer....
On another note, Lynne is starting to relax and let the tide take her.
As with all things, Lynne is a skeptic of the worst kind, and has stated that
she will not completely believe it until "the baby is in my arms". But I've
noticed in the last twenty-four hours that she is starting to get excited about
it, and thus has started her usual planning for him and his life, right up
to re-scheduling the household duties and what nights things are
done. Sheesh! Well, I think that's Lynne's way to express excitement;
she's at her happiest when she's planning!
I wonder if Gerber's makes "Strained Pepperoni Pizza"....
February 4th, 2003
For so long, I have wanted to be a parent. Rather, I've always wanted
a son or daughter. I waited to get married for a long time. I was in my
thirties when I got married, and it has taken this long to
start to decide that we were ready for children, try to have them naturally,
go through the fertility treatments, and finally decide that adoption
was the way to go. So now that it is really all happening, it's a
bit on the overwhelming side. Don't get me wrong; I would not change a thing
(except the waiting time from the judge in Taiwan, of course).
Everyone kids Lynne because she is so neat and so organized, and little
children are the antithesis of that. In fact, as a kid myself, I
distinctly remember "borrowing" the price-stamper from my uncle
who worked in the local market and was just visiting my folks. I remember
taking it to my room, originally fascinated by the mechanics of
the device (this was back when a price was really stamped
on the cans and boxes!), how the little ink stamps would rest in the ink
pad until you pressed on the handle, and then they would do this
graceful and well-rehearsed somersault to wind up ink-side down and
imprint the fresh ink on the target. Unfortunately, that target was my
closet door. And I remember, up until the day we moved from that
house several years later, my closet door was eternally priced at
thirty-nine cents, several times, in fact. And my best friend's wife
relates the story of their daughter who painted a "pretty little picture"
on her closet door to make her Mommy feel better.
So as we kid Lynne about the impending disaster, she acknowledges the coming
changes and assures us that she is as ready as anyone can
be. Am I ready? I now find myself asking this question as I lay awake in
the middle of the night. Will I make a good parent? Here, I've decidedly
taken a child into my home, one who for no other reason would not normally belong there,
and I will become his father for as long as he and I are alive.
In short, I'm a little nervous.
But am I as nervous as the father whose wife is eight and three-quarters
months along in her pregnancy? One who will be a parent in a week as short as the one I have
to adapt to this new idea? I rationally assume that they are both equal. I suppose in the
other father's case, he has had a gradual time to get used
to this, the build up has been over nine months and
he has had target date to prepare. My
own situation has been that it has only been in the last week
that we knew it would be at the end of this week.
So I feel as if I might be a tad more anxious, but the results are the same.
And I'm still worrying about my beard... :-)
February 5th, 2003
While both Lynne and I have decided that we will never keep Paden's adoption
a secret from him, and we will be as open and supportive as possible, this
book implies that even that is not enough. We promise to make sure that
he understands that he is our child, as real as any other we would have,
and we love him as much. To me, it really is the birth of our child, whether we
share the same DNA or not. And if there are ever any questions he has about
his origins, we will be honest and forthcoming and never hide anything from
him. He deserves as much, as do we all.
I will let you know when I finish this book. It was recommended highly
by our friend who has an intimate reason to recommend it; she is adopted.
One of the things I thought would be really cool would be
to go over and visit Paden. Ron (the fellow who
took the pictures on
Page 2
and
Page 3,
and the
video)
went over to visit his "daughter". I thought it would
be really neat to be able to do that, time and money
notwithstanding.
I am finding it increasingly difficult to pass the time. With
still about two months to go, I am getting very anxious to
have Paden here.
I just finished a book given to me by a friend at work called
"The Russian
Word for Snow"
by Janis Cooke Newman (ISBN 0-312-25214-5).
It is a recount of Ms. Newman's
and her husband's
adoption of a Russian baby and all the
problems she went through.
I found it to be an engaging book, but it can
be a bit disconcerting
if you are adopting for the first time
and have your own trepidations and anxieties
about the whole situation. She has a very distinct way of
relating her thoughts and feelings, and the way that the stress
of the complications she and her husband endured in Russia
put a strain on their relationship.
Our friends in Washington state who are also adopting an Asian
baby just got to pick up their new arrival in Seattle on
September 30th.
They did not have to go over to the baby's country of
origin as we will. We are extremely happy
for them, if not just a tad envious.
I have had several dreams of late, which I would call (for
lack of a better term) premonitions. They all revolve around
THE CALL, when HeartSent actually calls and gives us the "Go"
code. These dreams have been very intense and realistic.
Lynne and I have had a couple conversations about our "thoughts".
She, too, is keeping a journal, though hers is actually handwritten
in a small book and will be more for Paden's benefit (although she
might also be writing it for her own benefit).
As I've put in the
Updates Section of the
Adoption Page,
we're the 4th on the list for the families who will
be traveling to Taiwan. This means we should be traveling
to Taiwan to pick up Paden very soon, probably within
the next month.
We started to review the Travel Packet that we got from
HeartSent,
and it was very exciting. Everything that we will be doing
or need to do when we're in Taiwan is outlined. The packet
is extremely detailed in describing our itinerary and
duties while we're meeting Paden and bringing him home. There is actually
a lot of stuff to do. I'm a little sorry that we won't be spending
more time in Taiwan, as Lynne has never been to any countries
in Asia. I myself have been to Japan, Hong Kong, Singapore, and the
Phillipines. On the other hand, after the end of the second day there (the first
day including fourteen hours on an airplane), we will
have a small baby with us, and one who will probably be pretty cranky at that.
So I'm not sure that sight-seeing will be foremost on our minds!
As stated in the Adoption Page,
it looks like we won't be going to Taiwan until early- or
mid-December. While we received the travel booklet from
HeartSent which
makes it fell as if it's getting closer, it's still hard to
have to add another month onto the wait. I personally felt that
we would be travelling around Thanksgiving, if not before.
I sopke with Valerie from
HeartSent
today. Lynne and I were becoming concerned.
As revealed in the
11/26/02 update
in the
Adoption Page, we will most likely be
going to Taiwan in January now. While it still seems like
the putting-off-Christmas scenario again, at least we have
a movement and some information. The clock is getting ready
to start.
As is traditional on this day, we give thanks to the things that
we have been given over the year. The legacy was for the settlers to
give thanks for the food from the harvest, that they were grateful
for the increase in the bounty, and that their families would
have what they needed to survive. Their survival, for the most
part, depended upon food and shelter. So what they had gathered
over the summer and early fall was, indeed, the most important
part of ensuring that survival.
Wow.
Chistmas is here.
New Year's Day is here. A time for reflection.
We received the
latest set of pictures of Paden from
HeartSent yesterday.
He is growing fast!
We got an email from an old friend that Lynne and I used to
work with at Disney. She and her husband were thinking about adoption, as well.
They were thankful for the information that we provided here, and she
said it will help them in their search.
The Second Decree has been issued! Elvis has left the building!
I am restless. As Lynne described it to others, I am bouncing off the walls.
Here it is, 3:00am in the morning, and I couldn't sleep again. While I
suspect the cough syrup I had before bed might have something to do with it, my
mind is racing about the events that are about to unfold. I am at the
point where I am wondering how these events will transpire. Will I cry?
Will I stand there speechless? Will I pass out? All of the above?
I haven't written much in the last couple days. It's not
that I haven't had a lot of feelings about what is going on;
no, I have plenty of those at this moment. I'm just trying to sort them out.
I have started to read a book that a friend of ours gave to us for Christmas
(sorry, it took this long to get to it!) called
"Lost & Found: The Adoption
Experience" by Betty Jean Lifton
(Harper Perrenial, ISBN: 0-06-097132-0). It's an in-depth study of the
adopted person's point-of-view, a very detailed psychological treatise. So far, and
I've only read about the first 50 pages, there would appear to be more
of an impact on the character of an Adoptee than I would have thought.